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Romans 7:14-8:18: We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of son-ship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

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hmmm ... I have been thinking of the first part of these scriptures, where Paul is saying 'That which I want to do, I do not, and that which I do not want to do, that I do' all day yesterday and today. I've been questioning whether or not my heart is fully committed to the Lord or if I'm just putting on a convincing act - fooling even myself. All day yesterday I had 'Because you are neither hot nor cold, I will spew you from my mouth' playing over and over and over again in my head. And I thought it was 100% GOD telling me what a horrible, fake, disobedient, joke of a Christian I am...

I'll tell you what - the devil is sometimes SO OBVIOUSLY the one condemning me, that it's too obvious... and so instead of remembering that MY God loves me and that Jesus did not come to condemn the world, but to save the world, I sit there and listen ... and feel like a complete failure as a child of God.

I don't know at exactly what moment the Lord revealed these lies to me today - it was today - and it was after 12:00pm CST - actually, probably more like after 4:00pm b/c, while I was encouraged this morning by the scriptures He put in my heart:

John 14:1: Let not your heart be troubled: you believe in God, believe also in me.

Hebrews 10:35-36: So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Galatians 6:9: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I was still hearing the 'I'm going to spew you from my mouth' gnat in the back of my mind all day today. I was thinking, 'Am I lukewarm?' Do I really love God? Am I saved? I know my motives are not 100% pure and godly and righteous all the time... does that mean the works I think I'm doing to glorify God are as nothing - will they all be burned in the fire b/c the motives in my heart are shaded with selfishness?' ... and I have been under some pretty intense condemnation for the last 48 hours.

But at some point today, I was thinking about all this and the Lord started to reason with my heart and He said to me, 'People who do not love Me do not spend this amount of time wondering whether or not they are pleasing Me.' The more I've thought about this, I keep remembering when we first accepted Christ and our pastor in Germany said to us once - after he had told us that the ONLY unpardonable sin is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and we asked him how do you know you have not committed that sin? And he told us, 'Anyone who finds themselves wondering and concerned whether or not they have committed the sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit has not. When someone has consistently rejected the word, voice, conviction and call of the Lord SO many times that their heart is hardened enough to come to a place of committing that sin, the part of their heart and conscience that used to be able to hear God speaking to them is completely seared, hardened and dead and it is not a thought that ever crosses their mind.'

All that to say that God is good. I get very irritated with myself b/c I've been down this road before... and I want to kick myself for allowing myself to be deceived AGAIN. I wasted an entire day b/c of all this. BUT GOD... :-)

BUT GOD knows my stubborn, ignorant heart. and ONLY God could have talked me down off of the 'Am I really saved' ledge - I don't think there are any words a person could have said that would have actually gotten me to where I am right now in my faith.

I hope this isn't coming across as rambling. And I hope I'm not the only one that asks these kinds of questions at time. But, even if I am, I think without going through these times of doubt and fear (not that that is EVER God's plan or desire, but some of us INSIST on learning the hard way) I would not ever be mature enough to recognize it for what it is sooner and sooner... Because my gut tells me this is never going to stop - the devil's attempts to convince me that God is displeased with me to the point of no longer wanting me or being willing to work with me, despite me, is always going to be the devil's ultimate goal in my life.

John 10:10: The thief comes not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

THE DEVIL IS A LIAR. Don't forget it, SELF!